Sad day: A close aunt passed away.

I just learned that an aunt of mine just passed away in Manila. She was close to me. I remember when I was five or six, she would always bring me strawberries from Baguio, a town in the Philippines with an average temperature cool enough to grow them. She was working there and would go to my lola's home during the weekend. I would cry when she failed to bring some. It is extremely difficult to get strawberries in Manila and if it's available, it would be so expensive. It was my favorite. I was ecstatic every time she brings some for me.

She succumbed with an illness that we still don't know up to now. Her disease had baffled me and my colleagues in Manila. Her bones were simply eaten away and her body deteriorated to bone and flesh. Over the last six months, she was a lot of weight, approximately 80% of her previous. We have been working her up for a primary malignancy but nothing had turned positive. Every workup that I ordered excluded our differential diagnosis and until her demise, nothing is entirely definite. Amidst the workup, she was withering away in full speed.

I was looking at my pictures in facebook this evening, mustering my inspiration to write up my research proposal. A task that I have been putting aside to do for the Nth time. It has been an emotionally draining day that I could not gather my faculties to focus on that task. I felt a tinge of guilt while looking at my vacation photos, feeling that my aunt never had the opportunity to travel as much as I did. She liked going to places but her fear of flying has always deterred her in going overseas. She loved going to the beach and going to town fiestas. She liked the excitement of meeting new people and playing mahjong. She has a hearty laugh that seems to be genetic and likes eating food.

Tinge of guilt. It still resounds on the walls of my consciousness right now. I'm afraid, her course had been different if I were in Manila. If I could have seen her wither away, I might have pushed for more testing, more aggressive treatments. I only hear my family's description of how frail she was. I wish I had given more presents from the US for her--she was ecstatic even with a small bottle of lotion from Bath&Body Works. I wish I could have given her more of that. Strawberries and bottles of lotion: it's amazing how we take for granted some of small things in this life.

I thought of her when I was planning a family trip to Boracay the last time I went home. It was about time for her to get over the fear of flying, I thought. It would be nice to take her in the island and see the nice beach. That trip never happened: my sister was also sick and she needed to stay in Manila. My aunt was okay to curb our plans, she was happy with the trinkets I brought her from the US and from the food we had in Manila.

She passed away just like that. I didn't know how to treat her. We don't know what's wrong. The ball of guilt that has been bouncing on the walls of my vessel now grew spikes that scrapes and burns me from the inside out. Never did I give up on anything--even in this case, but time has withered her away so fast. It was like a sudden sweep of air had passed and lifted her from the ground. I had to shield my eyes from the dust and leaves, not knowing when it cleared away, she too, was gone.

I believe she is in a better place now. Rest well, Ninang and may you soar to the heavens without fear.

SPAM is not just a Filipino breakfast choice

I never liked spam. And spammers. This blog is infested with it and I don't know what to do with it. Well, it's not a plague of spams but I get it in my mail saying there's a blah blah post in your blog, etc. Its just...annoying. I don't know now if I should keep this page or not.

But I like my old posts...it sets my foot down and remind me of the hikes I made. The huffing and puffing before I got to where I am now. I kinda like that. I like those blogs in a click away.

But I did open a Tumblr page now. Dunno now but they don't cross publish to either services. Just wondering how can I keep afloat with my blog without these spammers.

Anyway.

Last five months in Pennsylvania. Woohoo! I can taste the bitter-salty taste of freedom in the air. I am going to miss a lot of people from here. But as much as I would miss them, I miss the part of myself that I gave up to be in this place. I am reclaiming that in 5 months. Its like cracking a shell that covered me up for the last 2 years.

That deserves a different blog. A different page on my book. (figuratively) I am not on that task for now. Maybe in the distant future, I will work on a book. But not right now. So I am moving to a different phase but I am not sure if I am going to change to a different blog. Really struggling here, so please help out.

I am procastinating again. I am just so uninspired in doing my research paper right now. Its almost sunrise, I still have a bazillion things to do, and what am I doing? Blogging. Yeah. I think procastinating have evolved to another highly addicting hobby of mine.

Reality check. I should probably get some shut eye right now and be back in the morning. I like the idea of the other blog because I can talk about more detailed stuff in that. This one is being followed by some people I know in the past and has been following my blog. I still would like to keep the anonymity of a blog. I could publish shit, fuck and other colorful words as much as I want to. What do you think?

Anyway.

Eye shut. I am there.

So, where are we?

After a 2 year blog hiatus, I am reopening this blog.

It's 2 o clock in the morning and I am sitting on a humongous red bean bag on a friend's basement, deciding to reopen an old mean of escape. An old friend. Oh, well, what the heck.

Things are different now, a little better, compared to how it was when I left off. I don't need to squander around looking for a gig. They called it moonlighting, I don't really need to give it a name. A 'gig' sounded fine since after everything, the jobs I had from the day I graduated from med school until 2008 are just gigs. A one night stand. Nothing changes after. It changed after 2008. I am tired of one night stands.

So where are we?

Life had been good. I get paid now on regular intervals and with a respectable amount. I get to travel now and then, which is much more often than what I am supposed to be. I tend to procrastinate a lot right now, compared to my first two years. Oh, those two years of catching up...reading stuff that I missed during my career hibernation. I already knew that medicine is a constant flow of information, but I didn't know it was a Niagara falls of knowledge. I haven't finished reading a single work of fiction for two years. I simply didn't have the time.

It's the 5th day of my seniorship. A huge year looms in front of me. As my academic load seems to lighten, a couple of personal projects are my focus this year. First, find him. Second, hablo muy bueno espanol and third, get real with photography. I am changing my body as well - getting rid of the flank fat and the double chin. I'll pray more often, as I am humbled by my recent tribulations. I need to quit my addictions and get tested for a lot of stuff.

Clean up and get better is this years motto.

Nice to be back. Ciao.

I Can't Believe DOH posted this...

For the Country....

I found this in my mailbox this morning and I agree with the list...starting from item number 1. Read on.

I found a book worth sharing "12 Little Things every Filipino Can Do To Help our Country" - Alexander L. Lacson

1. Follow traffic rules. Follow the law.

2. Whenever you buy or pay for anything, always ASK FOR AN OFFICIAL RECEIPT.

3. Don't buy smuggled goods. BUY LOCAL, buy Filipino.

4. When you talk to others, especially foreigners, speak POSITIVELY about us and our country

5. Respect your traffic enforcer, policeman and soldier

6. DO NOT LITTER. Dispose your garbage properly. Segregate, Recycle, Conserve.

7. Support your Church.

8. During elections, do your solemn duty.

9. Pay your employees well.

10. Pay your Taxes.

11. ADOPT A SCHOLAR or a POOR CHILD.

12. BE A GOOD PARENT. Teach your kids to follow the law and love our country.

I like his number 1. I totally agree that the traffic in the Philippines is setting us back. Traffic decreases productivity, since you come to work late, stressed and have to wake up really early to avoid it, but you keep running to it every friggin' day. I suffered, too, when I was in Manila. I hate it especially when I realize that somebody who get paid the same money in the same workplace woke up 30 minutes ago. My mom would always say, "You'll get used to it, cause I got used to it." As you can imagine, it will be another round of debate with my mom.

Disobeying traffic laws also show that we pinoys don't really care about each other. Its the lack of empathy and compassion for our fellow pinoys that make pinoy drivers crazy. Its always the race to the finish. It's always about claiming my right of way. Dog eats dog even in the street.

Buying smuggled goods is another past time for the Filipinos. I don't know anyone who hasn't been to 168. That's the bastion of smuggled goods in the country and it kills local industries. Greenhills is another smuggled goods heaven. People who buy from the tiangge are just condoning their business plus allow themselves to be fooled by rediculously jacked-up prices for imitation products. I agree, it doesn't help the economy at all.

I particularly hate Filipinos in the US who has nothing but bad comments about our country. Man, if you had a tough life in the Philippines, don't blame the country alone; blame yourself, too. I mean, the Philippines has a bad government, the worst traffic, the most corrupt officials, the dirtiest streets but my family and friends are there and I bet yours, too. Even though it's a shabby place, it is still home to me. I just don't have respect for Filipinos who bash our country without hesitation, nor remorse because I think the Philippines had enough of that. If you are in the States or anywhere abroad, or the Philippines doing good with your life, I guess we're in a better position than 90% of our fellowmen. It's enough reason to shut up.

Please feel free to share.

Tony Fever

After getting back from Case's wedding reception, I had a momentary urge to bang my head on the wall for forgetting it was the TONY'S!!! Pakshet. But, thank God for Arvin's HD comcast cable with recording features, alas! nothing is missed. He already recorded it save for the first few minutes of the TONY'S. God, I love technology and my friends who appreciate it. So we sat down and view it before midnight.

I must say that the sound system is terrible. Some songs are distorted because of feedback and loss of fidelity on higher decibels. I wish the sound engineers are now on their knees in St. Patrick's, atoning for last night's folly.

It was an interesting season because there are a lot of unexpected nominees. In the Heights, a Broadway musical about the upper west latino village, obtained 13 nominations, while Cry-Baby had 11. I haven't seen these shows, since the season started after I went back to Manila, save for the revival of Gypsy. The show was initially a 2-week gig at the NYC City Theater, but later on, somebody produced it to go with these season's show in Broadway. I watched it with Arvin, Marialena, Cindy, Jong and of course, Alex. I should be thankful to Alex for dragging me to this show; although, I was interested from the start. Patty Lupone and a classic Broadway show is nothing to be missed.

And I am super surprised that Patti Lupone won Best Actress!! She truly deserved it! She delivered a very heart warming and super funny acceptance speech last night, which really cracked me up that I had to watch it again this morning. I was crying and chuckling at the same time.

Of course, I got emotional with the performance of the original cast of Rent. It was dedicated to Jonathan Larson, the playwright of the play who died suddenly of an aortic aneurysm while they were rehearsing. Rent started my Broadway frenzy long after I was a bit fascinated on Miss Saigon. For me, RENT was the epitome of a cool, hip Broadway play: minimal drama, less boring cadences of the usual Broadway songs and the rich, colorful, unconventional characters. It was my choice of Broadway, so I feel for it.

I had to shed a tear for Sondheim, this years' recepient of the Lifetime Achievement Award. He's terribly brilliant. The Stephen King of the Broadway stage. If I ever chose to get a Ph.D. in Broadway studies, I would be a Sondheim scholar. I could rave for hours of his brilliance. This year's revival of Sunday in The Park With George has a very interesting, technologically advanced, stage production. Gotta see that one.

In The Heights won Best Musical and I must say, I have to take the hat off to Lin-Manuel Miranda, the lyricist, composer AND lead actor of the play. He is one talented dude! Their performace looks fun and I am surely going to see that one.

I'm still burning with Tony fever and it will be tough to cool off in this hot summer day. It's almost 85 degrees here.

To Mac or Not To Mac

Help me decide.  I am about to buy a laptop and still torn on the idea of getting a mac vs a pc.

MAC: Primarily because I don't have to worry about viruses.  The US is a different environment, there are hackers everywhere and identity theft is something that scares me. The thought that somewhere in Laredo, TX, an exotic stripper crosses to Mexico bearing my name and SSN is a scary thought: leaving the US is, when work supposed to start 10 days from now...being a stripper is big umph to my current social status.

WINDOWS:  I've been a windows-user since the forging of the Rings of Power.  I can operate it with my eyes closed while I spin two plates on a stick on my toes.  I am so at home with windows, but I've tried Vista and it sucks.   And there's the virus issue, too.  

Other considerations:

1. Hospital system is not Mac-supported, but really, I don't want to take my work home.

2. I like Mac's wireless capability.