Sad day: A close aunt passed away.

I just learned that an aunt of mine just passed away in Manila. She was close to me. I remember when I was five or six, she would always bring me strawberries from Baguio, a town in the Philippines with an average temperature cool enough to grow them. She was working there and would go to my lola's home during the weekend. I would cry when she failed to bring some. It is extremely difficult to get strawberries in Manila and if it's available, it would be so expensive. It was my favorite. I was ecstatic every time she brings some for me.

She succumbed with an illness that we still don't know up to now. Her disease had baffled me and my colleagues in Manila. Her bones were simply eaten away and her body deteriorated to bone and flesh. Over the last six months, she was a lot of weight, approximately 80% of her previous. We have been working her up for a primary malignancy but nothing had turned positive. Every workup that I ordered excluded our differential diagnosis and until her demise, nothing is entirely definite. Amidst the workup, she was withering away in full speed.

I was looking at my pictures in facebook this evening, mustering my inspiration to write up my research proposal. A task that I have been putting aside to do for the Nth time. It has been an emotionally draining day that I could not gather my faculties to focus on that task. I felt a tinge of guilt while looking at my vacation photos, feeling that my aunt never had the opportunity to travel as much as I did. She liked going to places but her fear of flying has always deterred her in going overseas. She loved going to the beach and going to town fiestas. She liked the excitement of meeting new people and playing mahjong. She has a hearty laugh that seems to be genetic and likes eating food.

Tinge of guilt. It still resounds on the walls of my consciousness right now. I'm afraid, her course had been different if I were in Manila. If I could have seen her wither away, I might have pushed for more testing, more aggressive treatments. I only hear my family's description of how frail she was. I wish I had given more presents from the US for her--she was ecstatic even with a small bottle of lotion from Bath&Body Works. I wish I could have given her more of that. Strawberries and bottles of lotion: it's amazing how we take for granted some of small things in this life.

I thought of her when I was planning a family trip to Boracay the last time I went home. It was about time for her to get over the fear of flying, I thought. It would be nice to take her in the island and see the nice beach. That trip never happened: my sister was also sick and she needed to stay in Manila. My aunt was okay to curb our plans, she was happy with the trinkets I brought her from the US and from the food we had in Manila.

She passed away just like that. I didn't know how to treat her. We don't know what's wrong. The ball of guilt that has been bouncing on the walls of my vessel now grew spikes that scrapes and burns me from the inside out. Never did I give up on anything--even in this case, but time has withered her away so fast. It was like a sudden sweep of air had passed and lifted her from the ground. I had to shield my eyes from the dust and leaves, not knowing when it cleared away, she too, was gone.

I believe she is in a better place now. Rest well, Ninang and may you soar to the heavens without fear.