Really. I am just tired of not getting what I want. I've been in this state for years and its getting tiring. But what can I do? I want to cry and claw my eyes out, tear my clothes and soak in the rain...but 1) there's no rain, 2) clothes are expensive and 3) I have this irritating tenacity that I cannot make myself cry in these situations. I am just so numb with all that has happened to me that I refuse to shed a single fucking tear for my own career. Its just not so worth it.
But then, I cannot afford a paradigm shift. I have a lot of options layed out in the table but somehow, I find it difficult to pick one and try....like there's a block of lead resting on my arm. I also have this huge anvil on my pride that makes me refuse to accept that everything I have worked for is not going so well. Sometimes I wonder if it's idiocy to peep through a pinhole of light when you can switch on a lightbulb.
What can I do to get this black cat out of me? I've tried fung shui, numerology for a time and even believe in horoscope. Prayers have been my refuge and I believe it works. But I still feel there's something that pulls me away from my goals, leading me away to the pits of darkness , to the cold and bitter riverbed left with the harrowness of a disgruntled pride. What invisible hand gently deter me from rising up to the surface and breathe in a normal stride? It's not even salvation that I look for: only a suck of calming air--and its constancy--enough to know that when I thread towards the river's edge there's always air around me, enough for every rise of my lungs, enough for me to live.
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